How is mentioning that I’m a vegetarian make me a fucking victim? You telling me that is offensive and me telling you to go fuck yourself is warranted. You know what? Go fuck yourself. I’m a strong fucking person and I hold to my convictions. Undermining my beliefs for no other reason than trying to make me feel bad? Piece of shit.
This is me venting because I got in twuble for some dick ranting about how shitty I am for being a vegetarian and me telling him to fuck off.
This will be one of my grounding words and characters. The shit feelings will pass, I will heal, and I will continue. Not today, not tomorrow, maybe in a couple of months. I know damn well this dark engulfing hole in my chest will soon be filled with concrete. That’s the way I want it. Only a jackhammer of passionate, dedicated force will be able to break into my chest hole. Because the hole isn’t going anywhere, I’m not going to rejuvenate. There’s no going back. The things I have foolishly given away have caused me great pain, the love I gave out of trust. Trust of what exactly? Men I hardly know will do the right thing? Ha! Damn I know better. I do. Just let my self get swept up in the moment. Glorious, passionate moments tapering away into meaningless, spiteful communication. I don’t want it. I’m going to give slow and steady a chance. It always came down to, well, if I don’t do this I’m missing out on something, so why the fuck not. I’m OK with missing out at the moment. I want connections that will last. Someone that I can trust as much as myself. Someone that wants my love and who I can trust with my feelings. I hope I remember my lessons in the moments of truth.
Physical intimacy is horrible drug. I crave its escape. Everything could be so much more meaningful if I could just stop myself from overwhelming desire. I read your deepest secrets and all I can do is think about running away into a cave together and sit, hold each other, cry, and connect.
Yet, I still feel ruined. When I allow romance in again, I want to make sure I can give. I can’t give anything right now. I can’t give attention, I can’t give my heart, I can’t focus my mind. There is just me and my selfish desires. My love needs to be all encompassed on myself and anybody who is unfortunate enough to get caught up in my whirlwind of half-assed passion. Well, I feel sorry for you. This is not the person, lover, partner I want to be, can be, and will be